So, funny story…

Nostradamus: Totally saw SkarPad coming

I realise, oh patient, faithful followers, that it has been a very long time since I promised to launch Round 4. Imagine me saying sorry while making slightly whiny noises that imply I might cry if you don’t forgive me, and fast. In addition to that great reason for letting me off the hook, hear this: So earth-shattering have been recent SkarPad developments that I have, quite literally, spent two weeks reeling from the shock of it all. More on that tomorrow. Believe me, you will all be stunned.

The delay is clearly unrelated to the fact that an epically horrible cold coincided with the due date for my thesis. Us chroniclers of the holy Battle of Impressive and Notable Growth (BOING) rise above such wordly concerns. No. I have, in fact, spent these weeks in careful contemplation at Nelson’s column – the first and real tribute to the true significance of stature in all war (Nelson, you will remember, famously had towers built on all his ships, that men might bellow at their enemies from great heights and terrify the oncoming sailors with their proximity to the heavens), that I might properly recount these most wonderful of struggles. In the words of Nostradamus:

‘And when the Pad, that touches clouds

Is crossed with Scars, that has fair locks

The storyteller will get a rotten cold

That puts her out for weeks.

Just when it was getting really, really good.

He felt my pain. I hope you shall too.

You'll paint my nails WHAT? Oh, the horror!

I should also add that it has been brought to my attention that a certain heretic by the name of ‘Kristin’ has been using the tale of SkarPad to her own nefarious ends on her Site of Most Terrible Blasphemy (also known as E!Online) in something called Alpha Male Madness. It appears both of our fearless warriors, Padalecki and Skarsgard, have been made to take part, cruelly, against their will. No doubt she has threatened them both with bad manicures if they refuse. Oh, weep with me at the inhumanity!

Now, far be it from me to tell you faithful followers of Tall what to do, but I say this to you. No good can come of this! Look, she presents the tick boxes as if this was simply a question of personal preference and attractiveness! Does she not understand the lives, the destinies at stake here? So go. Go! Vote if you must. But don’t come running to me when you give birth to midgets with no aptitude for children’s party games. On your head be it!

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